...get in ruts where you wonder why and how the world turns. Now, don't get me mistaken for a suicidal teen, like the one Bro. Taylor thought I was 14 years ago. I am not the slightest bit like that.
My rut includes busier than normal days at work, rude or otherwise abrasive people at work, stuff that doesn't go right at work, learning all that I need to know about work, and people calling up and saying, "F*** ***, you F****** A******. It has happened this last week, and the part that bugs me the most is that someone doesn't like me, or even worse, hates me. But whats bad about me is that these experiences and hard days make for hard times at home. I am a grump and completely wasted. Not physically, but mentally. I have a tendancy to be a people pleaser (at work) mixed with a somewhat self-first attitude (at home) and the experiences that I have mentioned leave those who care about me feeling that I don't care about them.
Now I am not always a people pleaser, I do plenty to bug people who's opinion I don't necessarily care for. But one troubling thing I have found is that those are the opinions I should care about, not the listener of my radio station, not the person at work I deal with once a year. I care about what complete strangers think instead of what my wife, family or church folks think.
There are also a few different meanings of "what they think." Believe it or not, EXCEPT IN SPORTS, I am not a glory seeker. I DO NOT want people to treat me like a celebrity or think I am the most wonderful person in the world. I just want to be accepted. I just want people to say, "yeah, he's a good guy, nice too." I want to be heard. Thats it. The most frustrating thing about my personality is that I love to talk when I get going. You wouldn't think it if you saw me at church or if we met for the first time. I have to warm up to it, and then I can't shut up. I get frustrated when I realize that people don't listen, don't care about what I have to say. As a radio guy I keep it professional, but as a person I just want to explode.
I am a mystery. Not only to loved ones, but to myself.
...figuring out life...
-Brian
1 week ago
3 comments:
I wish I knew you better, Brian. I am fascinated with authentic people. Even when you are trying to figure out what that all means. Sure is an interesting journey, however. Your readership is interested to hear how your discovery process goes.
I think you're one of the most authentic people I've ever known, Baldwin. You wear your emotions on your sleeve.
I think I pretty much have you figured out after hanging out with you for 16 (!) years now. You're pretty much my brother, seriously.
Bri...ppl at work, school, and play should never have such profound inpact on you...I know its hard to "shake it off" but ppl are not ever nice...the one person who you should listen to most are the ones you live with....they know you they love you and they can make it all better or a lot worse! Im sorry life had you so stressed right now. i hope you really can get a break soon to re-energize yourself!!! we love you:-*
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