4.26.2017

I love you forever Kristin.

Kristin, I'll never forget those days when I was coming out of history class and you would be waiting in the hall at UVU for me.  I remembered you always had a smile on your face.  You always looked so good, you still look good.  I'm so sorry for checking out, stepping out.  I didn't marry you out of desperation, or because I didn't love you.  But I did marry you as a very immature person.  Why do you think I go on a mission at 21, why do you think I have done so many things "late" in this life.  It takes a lot for me to 'get' something.  Here it is though: When I get it, I excel at it.  I never played sports in high school, but I guarantee I know more than 90% of the people that beat me out in any sport, and I'm still in shape enough to beat them.  I messed up, and I was the majority cause of our marriage failing... but when I am allowed to sit and ponder and examine things, forced or not, I figure things out.  I have grown up a lot, I have learn a lot, I have cried a lot, and I have tried to meet new people.  What I have figured out, though, is that I still have so much regret in hurting you, and I have discovered that I loved you so much deeper than I realized.  I cannot listen to a love song and feel right about having feelings like those mentioned in the song after hurting you and leading our marriage to failure.  I am to the point where I would do anything for you, I would spend my life serving you, spoiling you, taking care of you, opening up to you, being transparent to you, ... if it meant that I could see you smile at me again and we could take care of our kids together.  I was prideful, reluctant, and stubborn, ... but I have changed.  I love you, and I'm not scared to admit it, show it, or take ridicule from anyone because of it.  Just say the word and I will drop everything, delete my online presence, leave my phone with you, and focus on taking care of our family.




4.25.2017

I feel it is right.

Kristin,
Hey, a quick break before my next class.  I want you to know that I am truly sorry for the hundreds of ways that I have made things difficult for you.  You know my end-game, it is to prove to you I have changed because I know that I need to.  In Iowa I visited a GGGgrandmother.  She was the first majority blooded Indian to join the church... you know, decedent of Lehi.  With Lightning all around me, a cool breeze, no light, and the kids choosing to stay in the car I went to the site where she was buried.  No grave stone, just a church historical marker.  I asked this grandmother of mine to help me through this.  I asked her, knowing she is one of my angels on occasion, to help me do whatever is right.  It was an awesome spiritual moment.  I told her I didn't want to be a weak link in the family that she helped bring into the church.  Last Sunday, with the kids there and after praying for days in my heart while driving, I got the answer that it is ok to try to win you back.  Knowing that it is a hard task considering my history, I know the atonement and even more so how it can heal me/us.  It is amazing.  I'm brought to tears at the potential the atonement has.  I love you.  I'm so sorry.  I'm going to be very specific in telling you  what I am sorry about, but you need to know.  When I sent that first text message Sunday in regards to this, It was the very moment I got reassurance that it is ok for me to do this.  We could be amazing.  Having your recent past with your family history work, I find it amazing we have both been pulled to the work.

4.06.2017

I've debated taking this site down, but I won't.

This blog that features my young family is a bitter-sweet site.  This family is really not a family anymore.  Some of the things I may continue to post here are going to be my feelings on the situation, and if you don't like it you don't have to keep checking here.  I have things I need to work through in my mind because the divorce is not what I wanted.

I am NOT denying that I did many things to cause the divorce, but I also spent a great deal of time being deceived.  Even today I am made to be a big horrible person because of mistakes many years ago.  I was told that I was forgiven, but when anything is brought up I am quickly reminded of what I did.  Forgiveness is a willingness to move on and to accept that a person can change.  If you scroll through the past posts you will see that there are many religious posts.  Posts where Kristin and I share intimate thoughts about religion and our feelings towards life and each other.  In many of the posts you may read about the Atonement, Jesus' sacrifice, and forgiveness.

Since the divorce I have heard or read many things criticizing me and the "poor" relationship Kristin and I had... blaming me for it.  This attitude is the reason why it didn't work.  There was a time where a whole lot was expected of me.  There was a time when I had to act, react, and fix the problems that I had.  There was a time when I became comfortable with the idea of changing and working my tail off to become a better person.  There was then a time when I expected my partner to change, to become a better partner, to fix the things that tore us apart that she had control of, ... and then I was asked to leave.  It became clear that because I committed the bigger sin that I had no right to ask the other person to change.  Kristin even remarks in her post Dec 18, 2010 that she went into the marriage with the idea to "fix" me.  She mentions that she had the reputation as 'man hater..'  She did try to fix me and she tried to control many aspects of my life.  She did change me, she did affect me, and as a result I felt very lonely.  When she decided that there was no 'fixing' me, she asked me to leave.  This is a self-righteous attitude that she can work and work on me, and expect me to do all of these things... but never offer to really change herself.

I know I get highly emotional. You can blame my past and my defective personality.  I am getting better.  But dang it, I'm honest.  I committed a betrayal, but I owned up.  I am honest with myself and with others.  I feel like I am constantly lied to.

Kristin wants to gloss over things, Kristin wants to erase all of the past, except that the kids get to see me every other weekend and one night a week.  The kids are talked to like they are idiots, but they aren't.  Kristin wants to believe that this divorce is not going to affect them adversly, but being a child of divorce I know that is not true.  I'm so tired of being treated like I'm a horrible person.  I'm so tired of being judged.  I know things like never before, I know the atonement like never before, ... but it is so hard to forgive yourself when people constantly want you to pay for the same mistake over and over again.  It is not necessary to do that.

Kristin, I love you.  I wish we could still make it work.  I'm still willing.  I know eternally that it is better if we make it work.  Running to someone else and trying to erase things is not the way to go... but you never did like me giving my opinion did you...

I will continue posting pictures of my beautiful kids here.

3.17.2017

Picture worth a million words...

The other day I had a choice.  I was heading home, but a detour changed my course and this new way home was longer and out of the way.

The detour was caused by an unexpected mud slide, which wiped the road and everything on it into a river below. No one was hurt but that would have been one poor soul that got swept away without warning.

I knew well before hand that I needed to take the long way, so in my mind I was prepared.  As I began to think about this unusual route it came to me that there was more than one way home.  I could go north and take a route which would split into two possibilities.  The first of those routes home included most of my normal drive once I got to a certain spot, then the trip home was mostly normal. I could also choose to take the other northern route, further north and take the unfamiliar road.  I could also go south, but I hate that drive.

I began my detour and as the fork in the road came close, I realized the weather further up north was nicer and so I went with the most unfamiliar drive.

On this northern route I would have the opportunity at times to drive faster, but it also included literally driving around, then up and over and back down a major mountain range.  Would this be a problem? "No," I thought, "as long as I don't get lost."

The truth is, with modern technology such as GPS and a great system of road signs, it would be hard to get lost.

Would the weather affect me on this strange route?  Nah, the weather radar says that the better weather is this way.  If I did hit weather, I was ready.  My car was just fitted with brand new all weather tires.

Was I scared?  Get real, why be scared?  I've been driving cars and following directions my entire life.

I had familiar mp3's playing on the stereo.  I had plenty to think about.  I was cruising along with life and heading home, ... a home where I treasured peace and quiet when I could get it....  Where I was near my children....  Where all my stuff was....  I guess you can call that home....  Either way its the best I have at the moment.

The drive home was no different than expected, until I saw it.  Being the only car on the road I had the assurance that I could just stop right then, so I did.  The road was clear but the shoulder was covered in a thick layer of snow.  Knowing I needed to keep at least one drive tire on the cement, my car was only half off the road.  The speed limit was 65, but at this moment I just didn't care.  I had to take it in.  While staring off into the distance reality, mixed with a little spiritual understanding, hit me as if a snow plow sped by at 65 and thrust snow in my face.

         I'm alone.
         I'm on a well maintained road, but I'm alone.

My goal is to get home, but I'm taking an alternate way.  Despite the unfamiliar road and directions I know where I'm headed.

If I ever feel lost there are maps, road signs, GPS, and if I get desperate enough I can ask someone for directions.

This road is a lot more lonely, but you do see people every once in a while.  I'm sure that they would help, even if they didn't know me.

In order to travel this road you must be prepared with fuel, proper tires, and an emergency kit in case something happened to my car.

If you get distracted on this road you might just find yourself off the road, hitting wildlife, or at the bottom of a cliff.

There is always a chance that something unexpected would happen.  If that were the case and I didn't come home, would someone look for me?

What if I got stuck?  With freezing temperatures tonight, how long would I last?

Look at this view!  The trees with an enormous amount of snow on them, but a wind storm that happens just right can bury me with that snow.

See those clouds?  They are swarming around that mountain top just daring me to try it and not get stuck in the storm.

The road moves and turns left and I can't see around that corner.  Since I'm safe here, in this moment, should I just stay here?

I got caught up in the beauty of it all and I stopped my progression home.  Is this pause in my journey allowing the storms to catch up?

While I have been unable to take my eyes off of this sight have I forgotten my surroundings?  Is there a mountain lion stalking me while I stand in the middle of the road?  Are my senses aware enough to jump out of the way of a speeding car?

I've got to start moving!  Perhaps I can drive faster to make up for lost time.  Thank goodness someone has taken the time to clear the roads.  Here I go!

I'm driving, but I continue to marvel at the scenery.  I'm fortunate that I haven't lost track of the road and run off the side, because I'm pretty sure I'm out of cell phone range.

I'm still thinking of the meaning of these things when a law enforcement officer appears in front of me, and by the looks of it he is going well below the speed limit.

As I slow down and continually wash the dirty water off of my wind shield that he kicks up, I'm mumbling under my breath that he should pull over.

From one side of the mountain to the other I'm lucky if I went half the speed limit.  At first I had no clue why, but as we hit the blizzard the roads weren't so nice.

After quite some time I began to see that I was better off taking it safe.  When the blizzard was behind me the clouds parted and I could see home.

I thought that the route I was taking had the better weather, but nothing looked so fine than my home from 7,000 feet and the direction I would have come had I chosen that other route.

My descent off of the mountain went smooth, the roads again cleared.  As soon as my tires hit dry pavement, the officer ahead of me pulled over.  I could then proceed to go fast, but here I was far behind the time I thought it would take.

There are mudslides in life, and sometimes they devastate.  Mudslides affect more people than just the ones that might have been swept away.  From the mudslides that directly impact some people's lives, we can use the knowledge gained from those slides, and the diversions created to enhance our experience.  That day I planned to drive home as normal but I was forced to change my way.  If I had gone the familiar way perhaps I wouldn't have seen what I saw.  I wouldn't have thought what I thought, and I wouldn't have been impressed to take the picture and tell the story.

See,.. the road is clear, but bending off in the distance.  Even though you can assume it is clear there is no way of knowing what lies ahead beyond what the eye can see.  I can look above the road and notice the storm, so maybe it is safe to say that there is a challenge ahead.  There is also the possibility that I could ignore the clouds or just not notice them, then I go in completely blind.  If the cruise control is on and it has been so far so good, who is to say that it won't be like that the entire way.

We are fortunate that roads are paved, people have left behind maps, and technology can make things easier, but we still have to make the journey.  The more convenient the way, the more devastating it is when something breaks down. If I had been distracted enough to wreck or if my car's parts failed, I may have been stuck somewhere where I wasn't prepared to be.  On a wintry evening like this it can get below 0 degrees and, if I'm wearing my shorts and a t-shirt that provide a comfortable drive, it can be a challenging night.  Imagine if my GPS fails or my phone is out of range, then I will be in a sorry situation.

While coasting may seem like a great way to go, the roads could quickly change.  My impatience could be a deadly mix on those roads.  The only thing that slowed me down was a police officer ahead of me.  There is no way I would have passed him.  Isn't it nice in life when someone can slow you down, help keep you safe?  Sometimes you don't want that help, sometimes you do.  Either way, you always appreciate it after the fact.

I looked at the forecast and it said that this route was the best as far as weather goes, but when I came up over the mountain I saw better weather over my home.  The faster, less crowded, and unfamiliar way can be fun but you really have to stay vigilante.  No matter what the weather or forecast is, sometimes home just looks better.  Home sweet home.

I'm glad I'm safe. I'm glad I saw some of God's beauty. I learned something today.

4.22.2014

My two shoulder angels.

Trying to do some easter colors :)

4.11.2014

Quinten my artist

And airplane/space shuttle