I understand if you don't read this... just random thoughts!

I used to write in this blog as if it were a journal of sorts. I wasn't sure anyone cared about what I wrote. And I think its to the point where I don't care if you don't care, I just want to write things down. I don't have a journal or another blog to do this. If this blog is around forever than my children and friends who are interested can read it later in life.

I am quite the reflective person. People don't take long to identify that I tend to "live in the past." I wouldn't say that's 100% true but I do tend to appreciate things when they are gone or have changed.

Things are changing like crazy. This week football is coming to an end. For two years I have been an assistant with the Uintah High School football team and for two years I have looked forward to the extra time I will enjoy with my family once its all done. Last year our team went 5-4, 1-3 in region and were excluded from the playoffs. Last years team played hard and all but two games were competitive for the entire 48 minutes. two games could have been won that were lost and 3 games could have been lost that were won. Our destiny was up to us as coaches and players. This year we are 3-5 and the game this week is between two teams already out of the playoffs. We could/should win but will we? Do we care? Last year was heartbreaking when we couldn't move the ball past the 40 yard-line to score and win and go to the playoffs. This year we have not had one real competitive game since the first one when we still lost by two touchdowns. Our three wins have been against horrible teams and a brand new school that waited until we were up 32 -0 before they played us tough... Our losses have all been to the effect of 38-7, 42-7, 38-17, 36-16, 16-2.

This football season has been a big disappointment to me personally and in regards to the team. Sure, we moved up to 4A and have to play bigger/tougher teams... but if we have the school population... WHY CAN'T WE GET THE KIDS TO PLAY? Our JV team this year averages 17 players a game... hardly enough. Our varsity only dresses 30 kids. When our team came down with the flu we had to cancel a game because even with just 1/3 of the team sick we didn't have enough to practice or play with. We made the news on KSL and other SLC news outlets because we had the Swine Flu (never confirmed, but probable). It was almost embarassing because we were the first ones to cancel a game. The next week, while at another teams homecoming, we were greeted on the field with doctors masks on many of the fans. Funny, but frustrating.

This week, as we wind down the season with a meaningless game Thursday, I am making the decision that other things are more important in my life than coaching football. I figure that I have 40 years that I can coach, I don't need to start now when my family is so young. I don't need to take away from my radio job or my school job right now. I have to focus on my masters program as well. Football, with all the time required to participate, just can't be a part of my life. It may be for 2, 3, 5, 10 years but I must give up something in my life to help me keep my priorities straight.

On a similar note: I have also reached the point in my life where I must remove frustrations from my life. Turning 30 must have messed me up more than I gave it credit for because right now I have no desire to participate in anything athletic. Basketball, flag football, softball are staples in my life but in this small town I have discovered that I am too competitive and seem to embarrass myself more than actually have fun. I put too much pressure on myself to do what I was able to do 5 years ago and when I fail I get frustrated and lose my cool. I come home sore and regretting that I even participated. My goals are to live a healthy life and lose weight, lift weights and shoot a ball here and there. But my body can't handle what my competitive spirit expects. When people ask me why I don't want to play anymore I reply "because I am sick of losing friends."

While trying to find out how I can be happy in this small town that I live I have tried to come up with some things to change. A bunch of things are described above, but in addition to those things I have come up with some other solutions. For instance, part of the stress of living here in Vernal is that I am a 2.5 hour drive from home. My solution, drive home less. Make the trips worth it. The days of just picking up and going home for a few hours are over. The stress associated with driving 2.5 hours one way to just hang out and eat Costa Vida is huge. 4 of us packed in a little car with a thousand things that we want to do but only finding out that the we can't wait to get on the road to get the additional 2.5 hour drive home over with. The nights we stay over are usually not planned very well and the kids sleep pattern gets messed up pretty easily and once we get home we didn't feel like we even had a weekend.

Another thing I hope to change is my appreciation for this city in which I live. I absolutely loved Vernal when I first got here. That is the time when I had a good balance between radio and school. Right now school (which includes football) rules my life, radio is the annoying little side job that I have to do. I cannot wait until I can devote my afternoons to putting together a good show instead of just getting by. I need to not be in such a hurry to get things done, I need to remember why I move to Vernal in the first place... and that is to do RADIO. My school job is just a bonus with benefits and experience for when I want to only teach someday.

When we moved across town and actually purchased a place the town changed for me. I can't quite pinpoint it, but what I must do is make home HOME. I need to make the most of it and ignore the crap that goes on with neighbors. Things have slowed down a lot and things are better around the complex.

I gotta stop looking forward too much to 3 years down the road and make the most of now using the experiences that I have had in the past. Did that make sense? I think I just need to find the correct balance and quit getting sick.