Passing On

I believe that God knows who I am. I also believe he wants me to have peace and happiness. This belief comes from more than conviction but I see little signs here and there that leave me little room for doubt. About two months ago I felt a desire to revisit some profound literature I'd read about 5 or 6 years ago by and about the author C.S. Lewis. I did enjoy his world of Narnia but my interest centered in his real life love story. He found Joy Goodman (well actually she most definitely found him) but they found each other later in life. He was in his 60's and had been a lifelong bachelor. Shortly after they wed she died a slow painful death, a tragedy which shook Lewis's faith and inspired his published journal about his grieving the loss in "A Grief Observed." Two months ago I bought a new book about the life and love of Lewis and his beloved Joy. In the process I found my new copy of A Grief Observed only to find it was not actually a copy of it but an annotated companion for it. My original had been borrowed and never returned. My longing to have my own copy of it increased and I ordered a copy on September 9th. It went against my book rules (we wouldn't have a penny left if I bought every book I wanted whenever I wanted it) but I couldn't put off that feeling, need, longing to have that book any longer. The next day Jimmy called and told me Grandpa Don was in the hospital and had had a brain aneurysm. I didn't think about the book once in the two weeks that followed.

I knew the day would come when Grandma Pat or Grandpa Don would experience a health crisis but I just didn't think about it. His 83 years of life and the 27 years of my life that overlapped were just not long enough for me. Right now I don't feel like I can write about what the next two weeks were like. I traveled to Billings on September 10th and saw Grandpa in the hospital 3 different days. When he passed away on September 20th I felt it was a blessing for him to go home and be free from his broken body. The funeral was on September 25th and it was beautiful. I smiled and laughed and loved a lot during the last two weeks but there is also a new feeling of loss or more a feeling of missing. It's okay and I'm glad it is there but I haven't had to lose or miss much in my life and it has cracked my heart in a certain place.

We drove back to Vernal the day after the funeral. In my mailbox was a special gift, "A Grief Observed." Special to me and on the exact day, waiting at the exact moment I needed it most. How had it found me? It's simply a very personal token of love from my Heavenly Father who knows my heart and how to heal it. I had repeatedly wondered why I felt the need so strongly to buy the book. I had a running list in my head of people who may need it or that might in the future want to borrow it from me. I had no idea it was actually for me. That I was actually acting on a deeply personal need it would fill for me at a difficult time I had no idea was coming and oh so soon, one day later in fact. For me there are no words to express my awe and gratitude for the Lord's tender mercies.

Sitting with Grandma Pat and her sister Connie after the
burial service. A smile still possible among the heartache.
I suppose where there is love the hope of happiness still lingers.

Brian representing our family, placed his
boutonniere on Grandpa's casket

A tribute to Grandpa Don and Grandma Pat has been posted at http://www.donscoffield.blogspot.com/.

All about perspective

This is our family blog and you know our typical blog posts focus on Ryanna and Q with the occasional opinion based post like the last one. I am posting this comment from my last post because some people were interested in this topic and I would guess would be interested in the following perspective.

I want to preface my comment by saying that I don't want to take away from Maralee's plight and the terrible injustice that has been served to her. It is truly a terrible situation and, because of my personal situation, I don't understand how it happened. But I would like to try to adjust the attention a bit from "mother vs. father" to "justice vs injustice" by describing my situation, which I believe is, unfortunately, very common.

I was married for 20 years and during that time until the last 3 years, I was able to provide for my family financially, primarily with my income. Eight years before my divorce, my ex-wife decided that, because our children were older, she would start working part-time to bring in a little extra income. In short, she was put in a situation by her employer that lead her and her "boss" to commence having an affair. When I found out about this, her summer job was just ending, so I thought it possible we could overcome her "infidelity." When the following summer rolled around, she informed me she was, again, going to work for the same employer working, again, alone with the same "boss." Because of her strong will, I felt I was unable to do anything about the situation. She had this same summer job for 5 years. God only knows what else occurred during this time.

After this time, I was laid-off from my job, so it was necessary for my ex-wife to find full-time work. So as not to drag this on, during the 9 months it took for our divorce to become final, I found out she was "dating" her "boss" of this new job for nearly the 3 years she worked there. During the last year of our marriage, she spent every Sunday with him, without (at the time) my knowledge. They also went on several "business" trips together, by themselves.

My point of this is that, even though she was unfaithful for the last 8 years of our marriage, admittedly committing adultery, and doing everything in our divorce settlement to make me look like the "bad guy," she was awarded custody of our 2 minor daughters. Why? Because in Utah, a father has practically no chance in he?? to get custody of his children, regardless of the situation. Ok--I still get my visitation--right? No. N-o.


I totally agree that the mother has the most loving and nurturing influence with the family's children. As it should be. But the mother can also have the most damaging and unjust influence. In 3 years and 4 months, I received NO legal visitation and paid 100% of my child support, even while unemployed for 1 1/2 years.


I admit my comments here are quite brief, and don't explain the full scope of my situation, but I would like to say that I feel I did everything I could for my family, financially, temporally, and spiritually. I also did what I thought I should, to keep our marriage together. But because of selfishness, this wasn't to be.


My biggest regret is the time I missed with my daughters, particularly through their teenage years. And I also regret the relationship I should have had, had my son not become estranged from me for over ten years because of his mother's and grandmother's negative influence.
 
I want to say, again, that Maralee's situation should never have occurred. I am still just baffled by it. But I have learned from my own situation that the justice system often fails those who have been faithful, true, and responsible in their actions. I have learned that those that sit in power over us are just as human and just as susceptible to the same evil temptations and selfishness as everyone else. (BTW, the judge that oversaw my divorce was disbarred 2 years later for years of illegal drug use and having several adulterous affairs.)

I just want to point out that injustice in marriage and divorce is rampant and happens to the best of us--mother or father.

I wish Maralee the best and would do anything I could to help her and her family with her situation. My (new, sweet) wife has known her family for many years and has the utmost respect for them. Thanks to anyone that read this.
 
Back to me, Kristin. It is obvious that the moral compass of many leaders, judges, and average Joe's in the world is far from "moral". The injustice described above as well as the injustice of the mother losing her children based on income is a direct result of our society replacing morality(choosing right over wrong, good over evil) with entitlement. Like in the case above the mother gained custody of the children simply by being the mother. Her adultery and consequential divorce holding no consequence in access to the children whose lives she has eternally disrupted and in some cases destroyed at least temporarily. So no consequence for the parent whose actions caused the most harm to the children's security but the ultimate price to pay for the spouse who had no desire to break up the family. In the one case the mother gaining custody based solely on her status as "mother" and the other case a father gaining custody based solely on his 6 figure income. The reason this issue deeply disturbs me is because cases like this have the potential to set the precedence for future cases of a similar nature. What could that mean for stay-at-home mothers and their financially uncompensated full-time gig?

The worth of Maternal care dwarfs the benefit of a wealthy lifestyle.

This story on this blog http://www.mbhfundraising.blogspot.com/  has inspired me to speak up for Mothers, who the weight of this world rests on. In particular I speak about the worth of Stay-At-Home mothers.

Is my "career choice" at this time as a stay-at-home mother a waste as some have put it? A "waste of potential" as I've been told by a sincere but altogether too feminist for my taste friend. I CHOOSE to sacrifice a paycheck in order to become my children's life. To be the constant source of love, patience, and example. Not everyone can or desires this path BUT I DO and I believe that my sacrifice at this time is not only worth it but is a divine mission. I'll be damned if a judge rules a mother who has chosen to stay home with her children as unqualified to raise her children because at the time of the divorce her financial prospects pale in comparison to her husbands 6 figure income. I was raised in a modest home where stories are told of occasional bare cupboards and starving brothers scraping raisons off the floor to curb their hunger. Of course noone remembers this version of events except them but still it is fair to say we survived without luxury and nothing went to waste though my parents chose never to seek financial assistance. Over the years financial status improved due to living a practical lifestyle within the means earned. Six figure income? How about middle-lower class in Montana.

MY POINT: I grew up in a home full of love and committment from my parents. I learned to work hard, be practical, and seek loving relationships. After leaving home the natural path for me was to hope one day to have children of my own, a home where I could share the kind of love I'd felt my entire life. Meeting Brian started me on that path, much earlier than I expected I must admit, but I've felt a divine power guiding our life since then. What could I possibly mean by that you may ask? Well I'm 27 with 2 young kids. I have the power to make or break their world with my words, attitude, and sincere attempt at raising them to be the real deal; people who reach out around them in this world to lift and think beyond themselves.

If I accomplish this divine mission then my lack of a luxurious lifestyle to give them doesn't matter. In fact, it never did matter. It is the care, love, time, and respect we show our children that determines our worth as parents. No mother should lose her children because she cannot offer a 6 figure income. They may gain the whole world but never grow a heart to feel for humanity or eyes to see the good they can do through kindness.

Preschool, Rhyming, and a Beach in Vernal?!?!

I set up a little classroom at Brian's office and started doing preschool with Ryanna this week with my friend Lauren and her little boy Dax. If you can't tell from Ryanna's face she feels SOOO BIG and is loving it.

Quinten is just as enamored by the school fun. He is all about drawing on the board just like Ryanna.

Quinten ate his entire lunch while holding that clipboard in front of his face. I guess he likes green looking food! I wanted to post the video I have from this scene but I'll just have to tell you all about it. Ryanna loves to sing loud, really loud. So it is no surprise that Quinten is often humming a tune that sounds a lot like whatever Ryanna's latest ballad happens to be. Well on this day the green and blue clipboards we have inspired her rendition of "I'm so Blue" - a song off of Veggie Tales. Just so you know I love Veggie Tales. If you've never seen an episode try Lord of the Beans(spoof of Lord of the Rings) or Minnesota Cook(Indiana Jones spoof). Funny and kid friendly. Anyhoo, Ryanna found the blue clipboard and held it in front of her face while belting out "I'm so BLUE-UE-UE, BLUE-UE-UE, BLUE-UE-UE UEEEE! I'm so BLUE I don't know what to do!" When Quinten picked up the green clipboard (singing "OO-OO-OO" just like his sister by the way) she decided to do some freestyling and came up with "He's so GREE-EE-EEN, GREE-EE-EEN, GREE-EE-EE-EEN!!! He's so GREEN he don't know what he mean!" Not only did I consider this clever for a 3-year-old but I was excited to see her putting her rhyming skills to work. Rhyming has been her latest game she has come up for me to play with her before bed. It goes something like this. Me: Light. Ry: Flight. Me: Sight. Ry: Kite. She's getting really good at it. I'm loving this time with her and was especially thrilled when we finished Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and she begged me to read it again.

Here's Ryanna's Baywatch audition. I had no idea Steineker Resevoir has beautiful sandy beaches. Sure they can't compare to a real ocean beach but when you live in the middle of nowhere, in the mountains, this scenario is highly unlikely. There are plenty of truly gorgeous, sandy, perfect for sandcastles spots and the sound of the water is heavenly. I just read my book while the kids run, dig, chase, hide, and soak up the sun. This will be a regular activity next summer. It is just a shame we didn't discover it until September!

Things turned ugly when Quinten's stick met Ryanna's shoulder. I didn't see the actual moment of contact but I'm pretty sure it involved Ryanna trying to take Quinten's stick away and he wasn't having it.

I love anywhere the kids can get their energy out while I can do something I love too.

Chair, Bed, Tree, Room,Mulan Wall, Basket, John, and Clo

Ryanna has been bitten by the mommy bug. Some little girls start carrying around baby dolls when they are still a baby. Ryanna, however, never mothered, named, or nurtered her dolls though she has them. They were more like decoration in her room. This week, however, I've seen this girl transform into a little mommy machine. She has her babies on a strict schedule of feeding and bedtimes. I've also noticed this nurturing side eeking it's way into her sistering and she talks to Quinten the way I do most the time.

"Okay Quinty. Let me help you with your sock. Leave it on so your toes are toasty. Love you buddy boy."

When I heard this I nearly melted by its cuteness, especially when I consider the many times she has teased and tortured him. She's also been teaching him things: words like poop-poop, and skills like how to stack blocks and put together train tracks.

Well as I've been typing this Ryanna has been bringing her dolls, barbies, ponies, etc in to my room one at a time and naming them. There is the big baby named Basket, the twin babies Tree and Room, the ponies named Chair and Bed, then there is the Mulan barbie doll now known as Mulan Wall. Are you noticing a theme here?? So she might not be the most creative name-comer-upper but I have to give her props on originality. There something very hippy about naming your baby Tree, very Hollywood....

Oh she did name one of her babies something traditional. His name is John but she's not sure she likes it so I'll keep you updated. Oh Ryanna just came up with yet another pony to name and announced her name is "CHLO - like Clothes only short!" She's getting better. :)