I believe that God knows who I am. I also believe he wants me to have peace and happiness. This belief comes from more than conviction but I see little signs here and there that leave me little room for doubt. About two months ago I felt a desire to revisit some profound literature I'd read about 5 or 6 years ago by and about the author C.S. Lewis. I did enjoy his world of Narnia but my interest centered in his real life love story. He found Joy Goodman (well actually she most definitely found him) but they found each other later in life. He was in his 60's and had been a lifelong bachelor. Shortly after they wed she died a slow painful death, a tragedy which shook Lewis's faith and inspired his published journal about his grieving the loss in "A Grief Observed." Two months ago I bought a new book about the life and love of Lewis and his beloved Joy. In the process I found my new copy of A Grief Observed only to find it was not actually a copy of it but an annotated companion for it. My original had been borrowed and never returned. My longing to have my own copy of it increased and I ordered a copy on September 9th. It went against my book rules (we wouldn't have a penny left if I bought every book I wanted whenever I wanted it) but I couldn't put off that feeling, need, longing to have that book any longer. The next day Jimmy called and told me Grandpa Don was in the hospital and had had a brain aneurysm. I didn't think about the book once in the two weeks that followed.
I knew the day would come when Grandma Pat or Grandpa Don would experience a health crisis but I just didn't think about it. His 83 years of life and the 27 years of my life that overlapped were just not long enough for me. Right now I don't feel like I can write about what the next two weeks were like. I traveled to Billings on September 10th and saw Grandpa in the hospital 3 different days. When he passed away on September 20th I felt it was a blessing for him to go home and be free from his broken body. The funeral was on September 25th and it was beautiful. I smiled and laughed and loved a lot during the last two weeks but there is also a new feeling of loss or more a feeling of missing. It's okay and I'm glad it is there but I haven't had to lose or miss much in my life and it has cracked my heart in a certain place.
We drove back to Vernal the day after the funeral. In my mailbox was a special gift, "A Grief Observed." Special to me and on the exact day, waiting at the exact moment I needed it most. How had it found me? It's simply a very personal token of love from my Heavenly Father who knows my heart and how to heal it. I had repeatedly wondered why I felt the need so strongly to buy the book. I had a running list in my head of people who may need it or that might in the future want to borrow it from me. I had no idea it was actually for me. That I was actually acting on a deeply personal need it would fill for me at a difficult time I had no idea was coming and oh so soon, one day later in fact. For me there are no words to express my awe and gratitude for the Lord's tender mercies.
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| Sitting with Grandma Pat and her sister Connie after the burial service. A smile still possible among the heartache. I suppose where there is love the hope of happiness still lingers. |
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| Brian representing our family, placed his boutonniere on Grandpa's casket |
4 comments:
Kristin, Heavenly Father does love you so much because you are one special woman! I love you too! Thank you for your faith, example and love. I am sorry to hear about your grandpa, but it is nice to know that he is happy and that you will be together again some day! Love you!
Tender mercies definately happen and I love when they do. It was good to see you today, I've missed ya lots. Sorry you are hurting and missing. Love ya!
I love you! I am so sorry for your aching heart. I am grateful that you can find peace in the gospel and through C.S. Lewis. I love C.S. Lewis too! Did you know that? You are such an example to me, and I thank Heavenly Father for your friendship.
Kristin, I love to read your writings. We were so sorry to hear about Grandpa Don. Thank goodness for the knowledge and peace the gospel brings. Several years ago, a friend her in town lost her husband to a brain tumor and left her with 5 young children. A few years later, her mom was asked to speak at girls camp. She told the story of Rebekkah and Curtis and she said that after his passing away, so many people told Rebekkah they were sorry she had lost her husband. Her reply was always the same..."I haven't lost him, I know exactly where he is..." That made me smile at the time. Such a confidence in faith even in the face of tragedy. Little did I know how much that simple declaration would come to mean to me. In the years since and especially with the loss of my dad, I too can confidently reply, "I haven't lost him, I know exactly where he is..." These are the tender mercies you decribe. How thankful I am for a loving Heavenly Father and for His Son and the Atonement... All is well... Love you!
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