How do I put this..... It's been a rough patch for me. Not in any of the truly serious ways but in the simple things. I actually am finding it nearly impossible to put the feelings to words. Well here is an illustration. I cried yesterday. I hauled both kids(crying hysterically) up to my bed, laid one on one side and one on the other side of me and then carefully let go. Literally. 15 minutes previous everything had been just fine and then Ryanna bit Quinten and I planned where I could go cry. Crying for me is never spontanious or often. It is usually a very conscious choice for me. One that I can logic myself into scheduling for the right time and place. So now that I was on my bed with each child clinging to my shirt I took a deep breath and let it happen. Tears for all my fears. I'd be a complete lier if I didn't say I have fears, and quite a few of them. The one though that keeps coming up is that I'm not a good enough mother for Ryanna. I actually have the fat ego to admit I think I'm a good mom. I know I love my kids. 
I tend to be level headed in the way I react to the different things they throw at me. I try to make sure they eat healthy, get enough exercise, and read plenty of books. They are kissed, hugged, and encouraged daily by two present parents. In all I feel like it should be enough but the fear is that it just isn't. Ryanna is smart. She is sensative and kind. She wants to make good choices and be a good friend. I'm so proud she is my little girl. The other side of it though is that she can explode. She can hurt(as Quinten learned yesterday and has the bite marks to prove it). She already has an unalterable opinion about nearly everything and only changes her mind on her own terms. She is anxious when seperated from me. In short she is I believe socially and emotionally immature for her age and I am afraid she needs a mom who is a "specialist" or some other version of highly qualified. To be clear I do not believe Ryanna is one of a kind nor do I believe she will in any way fail to live a full and accomplished life. The fear is more centered in my belief that all her combustable energy and potential simply needs the right careful directing in order to meet that happy/satisfied/successful end AND (here is the key) I am not sure exactly how to do the directing part. I'll keep doing my best but what if my best just isn't enough. To fail this beautiful girl is the greatest tragedy I can imagine. So what is "enough" and how can I deliver it? I honestly don't know. I do know that I'll keep giving all that I have, all the while praying that God will make up the difference.
I wonder if this is at all like the way God feels about me or you. Having such clarity of all we are capable of, all we are infinitely worth. But having to let us start from infancy and grow. Grow into that divine person he already knows we are but of which we are completely underestimating. Letting us go knowing we have weaknesses, fears, pain, or loneliness but ensuring a way to find peace, love and guidence all along the way. I know His guidance has made all the difference in my life and I guess I've finally come to the only thing I find comfort in as I worry about my own precious girl. It really won't come down to me as her mother. She was His girl first and I have to believe that somehow his desire for her success and happiness is even greater than mine.
I guess I have to make a correction. I am capable of spontanious tears and the gratitude I feel right now is the balm that I needed.
 |
| Ryanna's picture of the night baby Jesus was born. I especially like Mary and the angel's hair that she says makes them pretty. |
8 comments:
Kristin, you ARE the specialist. Your children were sent to you for a reason... because you are perfect for them both. I've seen you with Ryanna, and I think you are just what she needs, and she is just what you need. :) I have complete faith in your abilities. Now my kids, on the other hand... they're screwed. ;)
p.s. I cry too.
Can I copy and paste your post onto my blog??? I swear those two are "two peas in a pod". I have shed too many tears to count the past two weeks as Cam too has left me feeling like a complete failure and for many of the same reasons Ryanna is making you feel the way you are. Cam has really been quite aggressive lately-- not only with Logan, but with his playmates as well. No matter how I discpline or camly talk to him about being kind to others, it does not resonate with him. Like Ryanna, he can be a complete angel one minute and then the next be a little bully. Being a mom is HARD and as my mom keeps reminding me, motherhood is a constant guilt-trip. You never feel like you're doing enough or doing things right. I KNOW you are an AWESOME mom. It's so hard as women not to be hard on ourselves. Hang in there girl. CALL ME and we can commiserate togther. Love you.
Oh, and thanks for sharing! It was just what I needed. It's always good to know you're not the only one struggling and you are so good at expressing yourself. I just admire you so much.
Being a mom is so tough, maybe that is why it is so rewarding to. You are a wonderful mother to Ryanna and Q. We all feel like failures at one time or the other, but hopefully what we are trying to do will be enough and I sure hope the Lord makes up the rest. Love ya lots!
Kristin, when Jordan was 5 mo. old I had to take him to the Doc for an unusual problem. His bowels had receded inside of each other, hence causing him lots of pain. It made him constipated etc. One of the residents at the office asked me what I had been feeding him, and upon learning I was feeding him rice cereal and bananas proceeded to lecture me on the stupidty of feeding my constipated baby rice cereal and bananas as these foods cause consitpation! How was I to know with my first time new baby who was 5 mo old?? My wonderful Doc overheard this conversation and proceeded to take this resident out to the hall, and lecture HER on the mistake of NOT listening to a parent. Her words were..." A mom will always know when something is off, even when we don't...even when nothing else makes sense, you need to listen to the mom..." Over the years I can not tell you how often those words have come back to me...I have often repeated them to myself in the face of tough choices. I have messed up, made mistakes, and through the perfect vision of hindsight looked back and wished I had done some things differently, but I have to say my "mom radar" (and lots of prayer) has never let me down. You are amazing and you already know what to do...Love your babies and rely on the Lord...HE will indeed make up the difference... love you much...
Ay yi yi. I wish I had your strength. I know how hard this particular incident was for you. I know that you are worried and feel like you aren't doing enough, but the truth is that the Lord wouldn't have sent you your two beautiful babies if you weren't the PERFECT mom for them. I know I am not telling you anything you don’t already know, but I will say it anyway. Motherhood is overwhelming and hard. It's a process and we have to learn as our children grow. I am always amazed at your mothering. I take mental notes when I quietly observe what a good job you do. I am so sorry that you had such a hard day, and I hope you know how much I love you! Remember that she is only three, and while you feel she may be struggling socially... she is AMAZINGLY smart! The fact that she has the coordination to write her name so well and to be able to draw such good pictures is great! That's something Benson is far from doing. He won't even really try. He just says he can't. Kids develop in different ways at different levels. She is doing great and I know that you said you worried what she will be when she grows up... She is going to be a leader. Someone who will stand up for the values she knows to be right. She will hold on tight to her integrity and teach others to do the same by her example. THAT is the kind of personality she has. THAT is the kind of personality that the Lord NEEDS in these last days. THAT is the kind of personality that will not yield to Satan's temptations. She is a valiant spirit sent to the perfect mother to teach her correct principles that she will hold on to and never let go. I love you!
Kristin,
This last post nearly had me spontaneously breaking into tears for you! I have to say I laughed and cried and although I don't have kids, I know that you are a wonderful mother and working so hard to give your children everything they need. I guess you are really facing the challenges of motherhood, and for this I wish I was a specialist to say the right thing to make you feel better, but sadly I am not. So all I can say is that I love you and I know your children do too! I hope you are able to find a reprieve from the trenches of motherhood! xoxoxo Love, Tannis :)
I am so behind in reading everyone's blog! I loved this post and I love you. As everyone has already said, you are an all-star mom and so admired. Both you and Ryanna are going to be just fine. xoxoxox
Post a Comment