Beware of the whisper

It's quiet and past midnight. I'm thinking about a variety of things like how this life and our happiness is a matter of heart; how we respect and love those around us. I just finished watching Les Miserables if that explains why. This train of thought naturally led me to think about my ability to love in the way I speak and treat those around me. Unfortunately, after feeling content that I'm generally a kind and generous person I thought about some specific moments today and the way I spoke to my kids. To put it simply my bathroom had become Sea World with the extra special effect of having a roll of toilet paper shredded and all over compliments of the puppy. We were all in the bathroom because I told myself there was no way of getting around the job of laundry and no more excuses just get going. I'm pretty sure when I get in that mode my body releases some kind of hormone that my kids and the puppy pick up on. It immediately sets them into panic mode to regain my attention as the number one priority and all hell breaks loose. So in the time it took me to run upstairs and put some laundry away so I could start a new load Ryanna was "washing her hands after going potty" aka bathing the bathroom, Quinten, Shelly, and herself all the while pantless. Quinten was standing on top of Shelly's pet carrier helping out and like I said Shelly was busying herself with shredding TP. Did you know one average roll of toilet paper when shredded can fill a bathroom floor up to your knee? My blood pressure spiked and I firmly(let's be honest, firmly = yelled) "STOP IT!" This didn't really phase anyone so I entered the redzone. When this happens I get Ryanna's attention using a truly heartbreaking method. I hate to admit it but that's when with fire in my eyes and pure evil in my voice, I whisper "Why can't you just listen to me?" It almost scares me now to think of it because I remember how that whisper came out of my mother's lips and its effect is lasting considering the thought can still make me shudder. So it is no surprise that Ryanna burst into tears and more trauma ensued. In those moments I'm not at my best and it's so easy to see that redzone mom face, while effective in the moment, could be replaced by a route that takes more patience and maturity. When I keep my cool and take things in stride there is more balance in our home. Ryanna and Quinten make our lives. Their innocence and personalities fill our lives with joy when we open our eyes to what this world looks like through their eyes. When I take a timeout to think it through I can see that though the messes and tedious moments of motherhood are many, the special and irreplaceable moments I share with my children throughout a day dwarf even the messiest of bathroom extravaganzas.

The love I am capable of as a mother, is at its best when even in those frazzled moments it shines through above all else! I can't promise to get it right every day but I can easily promise to keep trying even though I know I'll fail once and a while. I'm just grateful for the unconditional love those kids show me and Ryanna's blunt reminders to "Say sorry mom". When we get out the sorries and pass around some hugs it occurs to me, who wouldn't enjoy a waterfight in a white wonderland?

Enough has been said in words but a picture is worth a thousand of those

The average person may ask what the difference is between many of these pics but a Grandma would know and that's who these are for. :) Love you Momma!

For the millionth time QB is my initials not my destiny!

Peekaboo!

I'll never tell you, not for a hundred binkys!

Mom calls me a charmer. Love that lady!

Look what I can do.

Where does my inspiration come from you ask?
It just comes.

Blue Mountain only took about 2 hours to build. Call it a gift!

Beta Carotine? Yes please!

This is from daddy's garden???

Our big 3 1/2 year old Ryanna (p.s. Quinten's follows this post)

Oh goodness where to begin. This girl is like a tidal wave of every emotion all day long and Brian and I take our turns of pulling our hair out while the other laughs and enjoys the clever, often exploding lecture or defense that this 3 year old can cook up. I could write my own book on the glory of Love and Logic parenting(http://www.loveandlogic.com/ if you're wondering what this is all about). One problem: this little girl can burn my fuse in about 2 seconds and then it's Love and Logic what?? On the same token she can double me over with laughter in less than 1 second not to mention melt a heart in the time it takes a corner of her mouth to curl. Aside from her pursuit of world domination, here is what she has been up to:

*Big Sister Extraordinair! Or in her mind a second mother/dictator to Quinten. The two of them chase, wrestle, and amuse each other all the time with less and less disastrous endings. She's the first to notice Q's happenings and likes telling him when he's being a big boy.

*Finding new physical limits. For a kid who waited to crawl, cruise, and walk months after the average she sure loves a physical challenge now. Just yesterday I watched her push the ottoman about 4 feet from the couch and began a game of throwing herself between it and the couch. She kept inching it further until I had to ask her to stop moving it. I've thought about finding something like tumbling to enroll her in this year.

*Her memory amazes me, from events she recalls to books she has memorized. Most recently she asked me about the time Mary came over and they sang the Cinderella song and drew pictures. She was talking about her 2nd birthday and talked about details like it was yesterday. She also memorizes her books and I have no idea until one day she just starts telling me it and knows every word from beginning to end. The first time she did this was in May with her book Happy Bear: Christmas Star. Tonight she "read" me a book I've read her 7 or 8 times. It amazes me.

*Social situations usually decrease Ryanna's self control. Some of the time she is thrilled to be out and around people and behaves herself while enjoying herself. Other times she is intimidated and clams up. Her version of shy is often accompanied with screaming fits when asked to participate or when someone trying to help gives her an encouraging smile or pep talk. These situations are doomed for meltdown which we've learned will be nothing less than an out of control ear splitting tantrum. Embarrassing? Yes. Predictable? Nope. I say it is unpredictable because other times she seems to thrive on the sounds, sights, movement, and people around her. She is quick to make friends at the park and most of the time is a great helper and playmate in nursery. What keeps our heads spinning is we have yet to figure out what to expect, when. So far we only know that she lives in the moment and is sure about her feelings or choice in whatever moment that is. Some kids can be talked out of being shy, angry, sad, or over excited. At this point Ryanna knows herself and will be darned before you can change her mind; determined.

*As we've struggled with things just described there have been less than good parenting moments; When frustration has shown through more than the constant, unconditional love and pride we always feel in our hearts for Ryanna. She recently has deepened her sensitivity and wants to know she is loved and approved of. She wants to know that no matter what we love her. After some self reflection I decided to start some traditions of bonding to help show her(not just tell her) that she is not only my daughter but someone I love to be with.

*The tradition I am talking about is reading chapter books with her. We've always read books together and I know she enjoys that time with me. But now I've decided that she has graduated to chapter books and children series with mom. Since I was pregnant with her I knew I would read my favorite books to my children. I started collecting books that I loved (while growing up and discovered now as an adult) that I could share with them as they grew older. I really didn't expect to start this with Ryanna as a 3 year old but I felt strongly that this could be just the thing to deepen our bond and communicate my love for her by sharing my love of good books. The first book had to be something special and I knew what it would be without question: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. My earliest childhood memory is sitting on the green, shag carpet at my mom's feet flanked by my 2 older brothers as she read this book to us. That memory is so precious to me that I have kept the very copy of the book my mother read to me from, waiting for the day I could read it to my kids. To already be there is an emotional time for me. It makes me feel like I am like my own mother and that thought lends assurance that I'm on the right track.

*Ryanna is a friend. She talks about her "two best friends Kenna and Bensy" all the time. For the last two weeks the last thing she asks before falling to sleep is if she will see her friends the next day. I've learned the surest way to get her to stay in bed is to tell her if she doesn't get up we'll "see about playing with your friends tomorrow." We are so lucky to be surrounded by amazing friends here in Vernal and that my two best friends here Kristen Baumgarten and Sha Nielson have wonderful children my kid's ages. I couldn't ask for more while living away from our families.

*A close second to talking about her friends is asking about her cousins: where they are, when we will see them again, and if they will come to Vernal soon. Ryanna has 3 girl cousins within 6 months older than she is and just this summer has decided she LOVES them and needs to play with them SOON,  in her words.

*Did I mention Shelly is petrified of Ryanna? Do I really need to explain why?

*Ryanna has red, white, and blue running through her veins. If you ask her where she is from she will sometimes say she's from "Vernal, Utah, United States in America". She has a placemat of the United States and on her own has learned many of the states by asking us the names and remembering them. She likes to review places she has been and where she hopes to go again. The other day she got the map out and asked me where California was. Not to tell her but she asked as a teacher would a student. She then told me that "when it snows we will go to California." We spent last Christmas in San Diego with Grandpa Baldwin and Grandma Barbara. Ryanna is all onboard with Brian's plan for that to be an annual event. :)

Obviously I could go on and on as I already have. As a mother I have moments every day it seems where I feel inadequate and question my abilities. I realize that that mostly indicates that I have been blessed with a strong, high spirited daughter who knows who she is and where she is going. What better qualities could I ask for? She will be facing an ever increasing complex world full of confusion and corruption and it will take nothing less of determined strength to conquer what comes her way. I love this little girl and her big spirit. Brian adores and admires her with me. Quinten looks to her and only knows a world with her marching head held high in it. For now she is a leader and light in our home and someday she will be that in this world.

Quinten Nicholas

As cliche as it sounds I am constantly thinking how fast time flies, that Quinten is still a baby, and Ryanna a toddler. Reality is Ryanna is long past being a toddler and Quinten is the very definition of toddlerhood. Lately there has been some challenges(screaming, tantrums, sharing issues)  but I never want to forget the fun, hilarious things of this time too.

Quinten Nicholas is 16 months old and is a little charmer. Here is what he's been up to:

*Finally using words and phrases such as Stop It, No, Puppy, Door, and That. He is completely unwilling to parrot words you ask him to(Ryanna loved doing this) so we don't try too often.

*He has to know what is inside every cupboard, behind every door, and under every pillow, rock, chair, curtain. You get the idea.

*He is not to be trusted around breakable objects and sees no reason why I should stop him from launching china dishes across a room(our friends like Mary know what I'm talking about). He rarely feels the need to sit calmly and observe. Instead what better way to see what is going on than to get in the middle of it!

*Quinten is a social bug and likes to be around other kids. Today at the Dr. office he joined a pack of brothers in the waiting room and stood right in the middle of them jabbering instructions. He would point at the fish take and blurt out some phrase and then they'd all head over to check it out, then on to the dinosaur toys, etc.

*He loves going into nursery and discovered its joys a few times while mom was helping when they were short teachers. He runs in there and knows right where to find cars, trucks, and the race track.  He still has 2 months before he can go in there so hopefully between now and then he doesn't change his mind.

*Whenever his Daddy is home he wants to know where he is and how he can join in on whatever he is doing. Nothing can make Quinten cry like Brian leaving(especially leaving without a hug, kiss, and goodbye).

*He has made friends with Shelly. She trusts him much more than Ryanna and likes to play with him. Though he is busy he has a calm nature most the time.

*He's a good eater and tries most anything dad and mom are eating. He has phases where he loves certain things like strawberries and grapes and then turns his nose up at them for a while. In general however nothing is below him if he is hungry, including the occasional trip to the dog food dish.

*Quinten loves to play with Ryanna and they enjoy playing chase. He is learning to fend for himself and will push sister back if he is being bullied or hang onto a toy in tug a war and often win.

*He is quick on his toes and can turn on a dime if he sees mom coming at him to take something away. He's past the 10 head bonks a day stage and now only gets owies from being overly adventurous. Just the other day he was climbing down the stairs(backwards on his belly like most babies do) and then on the last step he stood up and with all the confidence in the world stepped off it just like he was big enough to. Well this of course resulted in head trauma but I guess he just had to see if he could do it.

*Quinten likes sitting on mom's lap to read books but only when it is his idea and only for a few minutes at a time. His favorite books seem to be about dinosaurs. Man are boys hardwired!

*He has a few shows that if Ryanna is watching them he will sit and watch. His favorite seems to be Mary Poppins and he even "sings" the songs. His favorite is the "I Love To Laugh" song. There is a line that says "Some laugh too fast. Others they BLAST!" and right on cue he BLASTS out his laugh just like Burt.

*Along with the Mary Poppins music he has a love of shaking his booty. If there is any music on or dancing on the TV he gets excited and starts running in circles until he falls over from being dizzy. Nothing gets him going like the primary music, especially Book Of Mormon Stories or Follow The Prophet. He'll even stick his tongue out of the corner of his mouth to concentrate on his superb dancing skills.

*As sad as it is for mom to admit he has entered the tantrum phase of life. There have only been a handful of them but I must admit it nearly brings me to tears to see my baby not acting like the sweet little angel he once was, almost like I was delusional enough to think he wouldn't ever have them.....

*He loves being naked though luckily he hasn't tried to strip his diaper himself. He does however fight tooth and nail to get away while he is being changed so he can be FREE! After his bath I often find I need more diapers and run down to grab some in the other room. He is usually a mile away by then and comes flying down the stairs in his birthday suit to hide from mom. Brian finds this hilarious.

*We recently changed him from the high chair to a booster seat at the table. He makes it a mobile affair pushing his chair as far from the table as possible, scooting it to the other end of the table, or making room for him to kick his feet up on the table while he eats. I thought it would be a comparable mess to the high chair but somehow I was dead wrong and wonder what I was thinking. Hehe.

*Loves to give big kisses accompanied by a "Mwah!"

(and as you might guess right after this picture was taken that glass ended up on the floor and smoothie was all over not only the kitchen but the carpet and my new couch - what was I thinking??)