What is Real?

There are no words for this feeling in my heart. I want to try though because it is a feeling I'd wish for every person I've ever known and even those I haven't.

There has been a reassurance in my heart of what is real and I've had moments in the last few days that, though simple, I hope never to forget.

Ever since Ryanna drew her first depiction of the nativity(above) there have been little stick figure nativities drawn on every scrap paper in our house. I picked up a half dozen pages with these little sketches, sometimes 4 or 5 to a page, off of Ryanna's floor today and paused enough to let Him, the little baby, into my heart. The king of kings came to earth as a baby to a virgin mother... Far off leaders of other lands, or wise men, follow a star that brings them to the Christ child... Humble shepherds saw angels and were part of that silent night... Who could possibly believe such a story? Many minds believe it cannot be so. That these things are not real. The feeling I felt in that moment however was so much more real than the scraps of paper in my hand. I felt my heart burn in a way I can only describe as an authentic confirmation of truth in my soul, that it all really happened. 

I have a favorite Christmas show(The Forgotten Carols) with a character named John who identifies the perspective of disbelief in his nurse Connie Lou. She says she cannot believe the Christmas story though she wishes she could. He tells her that that is a great Christmas wish which she says isn't what she meant. He then tells her something that helps illustrate the feeling I'm trying to explain. He says he knows that isn't what she meant with her head "...but that's the thing about hearts, it doesn't care so much if it makes sense. The Christmas story...who could possibly believe it if there wasn't something in our hearts that said YES! It Is True!"

All the time lately I'm aware of the dichotomy of this life. In this very moment for example I'm feeling hungry and beginning to feel ready for bed; very real feelings for this physical being named Kristin. In fact, physical feelings are often the victor of the constant battle for my attention. Also awake at this very moment is what makes me more than a hungry, tired woman; awake is my spirit that resides in this physical body. That spirit is the heart of who I truly am and have been for much longer than 27 1/2 years. It is spiritually that I feel the soothing peace of communication though writing this. It is spiritually that my mind continues an inner dialogue of life, mankind, faith, and Christ's place in each. It is spiritually that I'm reflecting on what is real to me and why I care so much to identify it. I know in my heart that the baby who was born in Bethleham matters. I know that He is the Son of God. I know that He loves each and every one of us.

I am a physical person all of the time,
who slows down enough some of the time,
to remember I am a spiritual being first.

Maybe that only makes sense to me but that is what is real even if I can't explain it. I'm so grateful to feel these spiritual witnesses of Christ this Christmas season. It's made me feel like I'm celebrating Christmas for the first time. I have countless blessings, supportive friends, and loving family. My prayer is that we can all open our hearts to the immeasureable love of God and remember the blessings that came from a baby born on that silent night long ago.

Merry Christmas!
Happy Christmukkah! (Especially to my favorite Missoulans)
Love you all!

7 Years and blessed in Love!

Exactly 7 years ago I couldn't sleep. I was staying at Aunt Jane's house who only lived a few minutes from the Salt Lake Temple where I would be married the next day. My sweet little sister who was only about Ryanna's age at the time (4ish) was asleep in the sleeping bag next to me and I lay awake next to the fireplace. There was a churning feeling in my stomach and I wasn't sure I'd be able to sleep. I just listened to Kayla breathing, watched the fire, and just lay there smiling. Really, I couldn't wipe that silly grin off my face. I'd only met Brian less than 5 months previous to that moment, obviously we'd had a ridiculously quick engagement, and here I was the night before our wedding. We pretty much spent every possible moment together since we'd met in August and not all of them were great. We might have had one or two moments that were red flag moments - "Hello! You're still young selfish kids with little business getting married." It's possible many or most of couples have those and still run to the alter, especially in LDS culture. What we had going for us though was (and still is) commitment. Not in a contract sign on the dotted line kind of way. More like no matter how bonkers you may or may not drive me I still know I NEVER want to be without you. That and some reassuring prayer experiences sent me to the alter as giddy as you'd ever see a bride. I loved every minute of our wedding day and had more than one person comment on that smile I just couldn't wipe off or in other words what in the world has come over Kristin!?!?!?! Wasn't she the resident man hater????

The last 7 years has had high highs, painful lows, mundane in betweens, long laughs, and in every variation. I've learned about pride(both forgiving it and letting my own go). I've learned about respect, how like most virtues must be given before it's ever expected in return. I've learned about sports....literally every sport.....and somehow learned to enjoy it(overall). I guess that naturally leads to how I've learned about change; my own maturing, transforming, and evolution into a still learning and loving wife. Mostly with change I've learned I'm an idiot for thinking it was my job or privilege to "change" my partner. Hello! This is the man I chose and he's a package deal! The beauty of accepting your partner as they are is they usually follow in suit and embrace your package deal full of wonder and including faults, annoying habits, adult zits, glorious stretchmarks, etc. Now THAT is liberating!!!

It doesn't bother me to admit freely that we've had and still have struggles. Those first couple years I know we shared more than one rough stretch and there were times we both wondered how two people who are so different could really make one life together work. What is really amazing is that for each mountain, big or small, that we climbed together the scales tipped more in our favor. Each battle won has strengthened our union. We're still distinct individuals yet we are also just as distinctly a WE. That must be what happens when you give a marriage the time and commitment to mature. I am fiercely proud of the relationship Brian and I share, how we have grown up together, and that we continue to face the future together absolutely committed.

This tribute wouldn't be complete without mentioning our little offspring. I keep bringing up the commitment factor for some reason but here it comes to mind again. I said we started off with commitment on our side and I think it is worth sharing that whatever quantity of commitment I thought we shared on our wedding day is nothing compared to what it became the day we became parents. I love how we are learning about parenting together. Having children together and sharing in parenting has the potential to solder the bond between a man and woman becoming mother and father together. The last 7 years have been a blessing and quite a ride.


7 years is only a scratch on the surface of the story of Brian and I. I can't wait to live the rest of it and with the guy I NEVER want to live without. Love you Bri!!

I can't let sports get me down. Living a new rush.

(I acutally wrote these first paragraphs a couple months ago, but didn't publish it) As much as I relied on sports as a young kid I find myself getting annoyed by sports as and adult. I'm not only thinking about my Bengals who lost a 7 point lead with 2 minutes left today, and lost by a field goal... or the Reds who got no-hit last week for the first time that I can remember... double worst it has to be in the playoffs!!!

 But I'm thinking about what good sports does anymore. I played and watched sports out of loneliness and a need to do something. I enjoyed sports because of the thrill I would get out of competing and having a war in the paint, or on the mound, or in the trenches. Today the focus on sports is stats and championships. Where is the enjoyment? Do these pro-athletes even enjoy the games they play anymore? If they are out of a playoff race, are they playing to have fun or their next contract? 

 I fell in love with the Bengals when they went to Superbowl XXIII in the first year I watched them. I fell in love with the Reds when they won the 1990 world series. And then when I moved to Utah from Cincinnati, I fell in love with watching Stockton to Malone. With all of my favorite teams combined I have one championship and three small market teams that are always looking in from the outside. The Reds, Bengals and Jazz all made the playoffs in 2010 but I honestly could hardly watch an entire game for any of them. The Reds go no-hit last Wednesday... the Bengals laid an egg (mostly their kicker) against the Jets... the Jazz always have to play the Lakers. So you can say the first problem is that my teams just aren't good enough... the second problem is, they probably won't ever be. 

 For pro sports, the focus is on winning and how much money it takes to win. For my teams, who don't have the money that the Yankees have, It is always "tough luck." (Back to today) I guess I can't complain about my Jazz. Last night they lost to LeBron, but so far this year the Jazz are still atop their division and are an exciting team to watch. 

 The Bengals... well, losing 9 in a row sucks. Last night, I made my debut as a basketball coach. Coaching 7th grade (four 6th graders too) is quite the adventure. These are not boys, I am coaching girls. Most of the girls haven't played much but there are those who live, eat and breath sports. My job is to teach fundamentals and to make sure they are enjoying their time. My philosophy on coaching is to show endless confidence in my players and get the most out of them.

 In football this year, while playing teams that were much better than we were, I failed. My offense scored just 6 points in the final 5 games. In basketball... well, the jury will be out for a while on this one. Last night was a new rush for me. I can't play anything but church ball anymore, so its time to live my competitiveness through those I coach and parent. I will try hard to not be one of 'those dads,' I promise. 

 Anyway, last night the Lady Utes were a little intimidated by the other teams size. The Pirates from Mount Harmon came into the gym very disciplined, hooting and shouting their cadence as they stretched and warmed up. My girls were shooting, laying up, and rebounding while having a good time. They were excited, and nervous much like me. My girls would say, "why are those girls all so big?" I replied, "must be something in the water, they are from down by where Shawn Bradley grew up..."

 I am proud of the Ute girls. In a game with just 6 minute quarters, you can't get behind early. After the Pirates scored the first two, my girls found it in them in the second quarter to take a commanding 9-6 lead at half time. IN the 3rd quarter the Lady Utes didn't score but 2 points and found themselves down 14-11. The score would stay the same with a little over 3 minutes left in the game when we hit a free throw. 14-12. A few trips down the court later we kept the momentum and hit the tying shot, 14-14. Immediately the balloon seemed to deflate as the Pirates came down with less than a minute left and took the lead 16-14. Without panic, the Lady Utes went down and got a rebound off of a close shot and put it back in for a 16-16 tie. In the matter of 30 seconds both teams put the ball in the basket more than in the previous 9 minutes of play! Now, just 44 seconds remained and the Pirates had the ball. With a missed shot, the Utes got the rebound and pushed the ball down court and got the foul while driving in. 

 I called a time out and told the Utes, "we just need one of these free throws and 22 seconds of defense.." The first free throw bounced around and went down. The second, missed. The Pirates got the ball and went down with a desperation shot and the Utes won. 17-16. What I loved about yesterday was the intensity of those proud parents and the fact that the Utes never backed down. No matter how big the girls were, the Utes never thought the game was lost. Coaching is fun, perhaps a replacement for sitting on the couch and watching my professional teams continuously let me down.

Already loving Christmas!!

Standing on a present and ready to JUMP!

Singing and Dancing to Bing Crosby's White Christmas.

Last night the kids got to open their jammies. Then when they
were all jammied up we read our Christmas books.

Ryanna helped me set up the Christmas village
and Nativity. Now if only we could save them
from Mister Mischief. So far there are
two beheaded villagers....

In their new jams

Not Christmas but this is what Q
likes to do at some point during the day

the family picture that wasn't

Are you like me and get psyched up occasionally over things that are too good to be true? Well "free" family pictures as a holiday gift at our insurance company were most definitely too good to be true. First of all the photographer was a cheeseball. The backdrop was a cheesefest. And he managed to get all of 2 poses for me to choose from one of which has a basketball in it because Quinten wasn't happy until he was holding it. Now it's not the photographer's fault that Quinten was having a hard time but my theory is keep that camera flashing instead of waiting for that perfect shot. Give me some variety and we are bound to find one where we're all at least LOOKING at the camera. I think we were doomed the moment I said "we just want to do the family shot. Thanks!" In other words, we just want to do the free picture so don't bother trying to get us anything decent because obviously you are being held against your will and we aren't worth your time. Oh and by the way I'm honestly ticked because I looked like an ogre in both pictures but what do you do! And they gave my kids off brand Mountain Dew thinking it was Sprite.

Wow. I didn't realize I was so worked up about this. Deep breath.

I tried several times today to get the kids dressed up in their new cute outfits to get some pictures of them together and separate. Do you want to guess how that went?? Well actually Ryanna was totally being a ham and I got lots of cute ones of her but Q was generally unwilling to comply. If I can't make something work then I'll have to beg a friend to try for me and I know just the one to pick on. :) Poor Sha. Being my friend is sometimes like having an extra kid! As long as I'm being a baby about all this maybe I'll beg you to take a family pic for us one of these days too...........

Well now that I got that off my chest I'll share a couple of the funny pics from today's photo marathon.

And this is 6 hours before the Mountain Dew!

yaaaa....good luck!

awwww....first mug shot ;)

These boots were made for dancing!

I'll just slip this ornament topper in when noone is looking....